Gardenerd

The oldest member of any church should understand the joy of hearing “I once was” stories. They should expect to hear at least one from every member. They should also be able to hear and look forward to the end of the stories that begin with “I now am” and end with such words as depressed, lost and drunk. God changes the story.

I was honored by a past employee who said that what she liked best about my business is the stories that came out of it. I get that and appreciate every story; forgetting the price tag that came with them. Stories are so full of joy even when they include lost finger chunks and damaged trucks. .

This story is about Mike, god of the rock. A rock whose story starts with “I am now lost at the botoom of a hill”. It was a special rock and like all rocks looked best with the evidence of age. This included moss, erosion damge and fossils. I choose this one from a pile and dug a hole for it to become part of my landscape.

I got my crew to become like ancient slaves (me too! I helped) and figure out how to move that rock. It was going to go from where I found it to where I wanted it. I had a place for my rock.

We got the rock to the last stage of its journey. We dumped it next to the hole and it did exactly what both God and I expected. It rolled past its hole into a pit ten feet deep. It demolished any fern on its way down. It sat there no matter how often I called to it to get back up the hill.

As the god of this rock their were only two possibilities opened to me. The rock would be returned to its place designed for it or it stayed where it was, where it always was intended to be. If I intended it at the bottom of the hill then I had best reshape the garden there so it looked like it
belonged. This was not decided yet though. I was only going to decide that I always intended it to be on the bottom of the hill if my attemps to get it up the hill did not work.

We went back to slave mode and figured out how best to move a heavy stone to build our 10th wonder of the world. Think about it. The only difference between our story and the pyramids is that the pyramids were built systematically on a tourist route with better marketing. Our achievement was just as great. All stories are like that.

By the way the path looks great. the rock is a real asset. When it is completely done it will serve its purpose of erosion control, focal point and being a beautiful specimen rock that adds to the overall joy of the garden. It once was and now is.

They got in the cab in quite a state. He was calmer than her but this was certainly something that was agitating them both.

The crux of the matter did not take long to get out. They had been to three weddings in a year and a half. All three marriages had already either ended in divorce or separation. They were due to be married in six months and were wondering how their’s would turn out.

I was not a part of this conversation. There is a memory of a thought process that went something like this. If you are looking to buy a farm and do not know where peas or meat come from you might want to give up on the dream. If you do not know how to squeeze a teat to get milk then you need to acknowledge this before you buy a cow. Going in denying ignorance does not lead to learning.

This couple had the good fortune of having a cabby who could talk. When they asked a question he was more than willing to answer. The question was phrased as follows, “Cabby how long have you been married”, and “What is the secret of marriage”.

To the second question I told them quite simply that all they had to do is remember they were marrying an alien. That they really do not have a clue about the other person. The woman was very offended. She actually spouted off that men and women were not that different. In my mind I heard “Milk doesn’t come from cows”

I listened to her for a minute and took a chance by asking a question. The percentage of men that would answer this question the way this guy did is probably around the 80% mark. What I asked was simply this. “When was the first time you thought of what you would name your first born son?”

His answer was typical. Not until she asked him for ideas. Her surprise was the funniest part of this story. The look on her face was priceless. “What??”. Lol, its tough to learn milk comes from a cow when it is so much easier to just pick up a carton but if your buying a farm….

Ps. To all the women out there. We do not always wash our hands after using the washroom either.

Prior to marriage I walked and ran. Like all people I took this for granted. Certainly I never married so I could have use of my legs or to save me from my inabilities, I was a male and never knew I had any. More certain yet, I never married to have my wife do these for me. I never needed an avatar.

I was ok. Still am. What is bothersome is how much marriage has made me half the man I used to be, I need my avatar. I have no way of exploring the depth of my children, my relationship or myself without going with my avatar to these places. I try to walk in these beautiful places alone but I trip and fall.

Frankly, I do as well as the best men I know, the only difference is through the trust I have in my wife I get a taste and feel for how very limited I am. She will notice the cocoon on the underside of a twig, the flower on the underside of a flower and the weed, that if left, will destroy the orchids. Gardening a family takes a wife and gardening a good family takes my wife.

What would I give her? Maleness. If there was anyway I could teach her obliviousness to what needs done and replace it with a complacent acceptance that she is cool just the way she is I would thrill. If she could take a step into me as an avatar there are two things she would realize. “I wouldn’t want to be yah” and “wow am I ever glad I can take my shoes off and be me”

To a wonderful women. Walk around with hairy pits and bad breath for a day. Let me be your avatar. Not because I want you to know how hard I work but to realize the freedom of being male. Lol, you will at least know how to make your birthday stretch an extra day and just assume you deserve it.

Crab grass is an annual grass. It does not spread all over as it grows low and its seeds generally just drop. Crab grass has infected most cities’ sand supply and therefore is especially a problem where snow is stored and plowed to. Boulevards and drive entrances and along drives will be the worst areas.

The good news is that it is only an annual and therefore you do not have to get the whole root to eradicate it. It is easily pulled by hand but in places where it is in cracks or amidst lush lawn it is enough to lop it off just below the surface. This makes the task of removing from lawns quite easy though it is tedious.

Remember, as with all weeds, the flower to seed cycle is the most important one to watch. If you are short on time at least get the ones that are turning to seed out. There will be more crab grass so check the areas regularly where it was first found. I would wait to over seed the infected area until very late summer or early fall.

Yes, my youngest had lice. So awful. She had three very diligent adults gently shoving her head every which way yanking at her hair folicles. She is so loved. An intervention for her.

The problem with nit picking is that it takes time no matter how you swing it. In truth it is a loving act to work at it even if you do not feel like it and there are more important things to do. It is not wasted time. The other problem is you have to watch your words because it is so easy to make a comment as to how it happened and the ettiquette breaches that caused it that the love of the moment can be lost or misunderstood.

When nit picking you are looking for trouble. You are feeling the impossibility of the task. You are wanting them gone and thoughts of kerosene, matches and garden shears all flit across your mind. What you miss is the intimacy, that the situation demanded intimacy that you would never have been able to schedule.

Sure, the nits are what is first seen but with a deep breath and a refocus you can see the old scars on the scalp and the individual hairs coming out of the head. The shape of the ear, the hair lines and the finess of the hair. Logically speaking you could go at the job noticing all the little details and wonders of your child; the nits will be inconsequential. You will end up taking them out either way.

Well I have another beautiful teenage daughter who was part of the intervention team. I think she suggested the shears and yet very quietly she lovingly one at a time helped remove the nits while marvelling at her sister.

To this daughter comes this wisdom garnered from her brother and sister who went before and from my own personal grooming for nits. When you are young the nits hide your wonder. The taste of possible poor school strategies, the feeling of being less than the others, whether in looks, social positions or intelligence, and the confusion of what you will do are nits that you cannot ignore and shouldn’t.

The trouble is we have been lovingly nit picking you for years. We know the beauty of you and have loved watching you grow up. We know our childrens special gift but are not always able to put a finger on it. Gentleness, patience and eq are hard to measure and yet we know that we are wealthy all the same. Lol. Having 10 jars of peanut butter is worth at least $25 but it does not show up on a statement of worth often.

Sooooo. A beautiful girl should each morning, as the nit of self doubt shows it’s ugly face, take as much time and give herself as much time as she gave her sister. Gently pluck that self doubt away and take the time to love herself and see how wonderful she is. Notice the gentleness and the nobility and her logical mind. Notice the determination.

Gifts do not come through the negative but from the assurance and preparedness of being ready to take either one talent or ten and run with it, double the investment of you.

There are always rules and laws. Coming up will surely be a piece on how freeing these rules are and how the worse rulemakers are ourselves. Every routine basicly is a series of rules that make up the routine.

These unwritten rules are really weird, we all understand them. These rules if broken down are beautifully logical and make perfect sense. It is still a phenomenon that they are so universal to a culture. It is also weird how self serving we are and how little the carrot has to be to make us break the rule.

At Tim Hortons there are several rules involving the door. The first is for all doors. “The door is held by the person on the outside for those coming out”. This one is easy. It takes FAR left effort to take a step back and hold the door than to have to hold it open from the inside. In fact our muscle group in our arm is not designed to hold the wait with an outstretched arm that is backward. Holding the door for those going in also means we have to press ourselves against the door frame to allow the person to get in. We certainly would not expect someone to do it with there hands full of coffee.

When someone breaks this rule and keeps coming in the frustration, anger and amazement at their obliviousness to others is immediate. There is no question they are idiots. In fact, I tell my daughters to watch for this in their dates. If I guy cannot grasp this concept he is not going to be any good.

The more subtle rule in our culture is the rule of holding the door open for others. There are logicstics that could be argued that would prove that this is by far the most efficient and sensible act. To get a group of seven people through a set of doors it is far easier to have the first person hold the first door, second person the second and the other five blaze through.

Presumably this works at Tims. So I have been doing an experiment to test this. I will hold the first set of doors open for someone and then see how many would hold open the second for me. Not many is the answer. Please note, this experiment was not done as a cynic that believes the worst of human nature though this may be true. It was done to determine if I could see if people were “breaking” the rule to be first in line or if in fact my expectation goes against the rule. Either or is possible.

I will need to test this at another type of store I suspose. One where there is not a line up, one that encourages browsing and where time is not as essential. At Tims people aim to get in and out and time is seen to be more critical.

The sacrifices I make for my readers is something else. It needs to be realized that there is a rut I am now stuck in. My initial intentions were to be the first in to get my coffee. There is a commercial where two men are striving to get into an electronic store for a special. The speeding up to be first is a subtle, casual picking up of the pace at first but by the end result is that there is an all out race at the end. My intent was to race to hold the door and then reap the benefit of the law that this opponent had to hold the second door. This did not pan out.

Now not only am I stuck holding the outer door and being perpetually at least one back in the line but I have to hold the second door too when the situation is right. What a loser. I laugh what I would be like in Toronto or in China. Perhaps this rule I talk about, though true and noble, needs to be broken for self preservation.

Often when driving cab you would be one of multiple cabs to a location with a larger group. Invariably they were young and they were heading downtown. For sure they would ask me to beat the other cab.

Though I had no problem driving fast and the offered tip for winning was good there was a problem. What happened is I was not that good. The bigger problem was you would never get to know the kids because the conversation focused on where we were in relation to the other cab.

I hit upon a solution one night. What I would do is to drive slow and I reassured the passengers that they would win. They would argue that at 50km an hour I was not going to win. They would argue that the other cab passed us or that it left sooner. My responses were always positive. We would win.

Upon arriving at the bar the other cabs had already disgorged. They would complain about losing. I would point out that winning was not always about being first. I would point out the meter and show them the cost. The receipt printed for them was for $3 less then what showed. The rest was simple. All they had to do was to complain about how expensive the cab was, when the prices were compared they would win.

Not fare really. Or should I say this was fare game. Oddly, disobeying every law to get them there first was ok but misrepresenting the price wasn’t? The few report backs I got were kinda fun.

Time is a subject of a hundred posts. Actually I pride myself on my understanding of it. My greatest realization is that time is to our mortality what sex and food is. It is an essential tool in God’s apprenticeship of His creation and in our ability to relate to each other and discover ourselves.

This blog is a little simpler though. It is a tip for people to get out of the frustrating situations we get ourselves in.

I will start with an early bus driving story. The route was full of kids who would test the patience of Job. Pulling stunts and acting out in the worse way, all to get the goat of the driver and to get attention.

Earlier on the rules for the bus were outlined to the students. These were not per se my rules just as Gravity is not my rule. Instructing people in behaviour is no different then teaching the theory of relativity, it is a lesson that your are in charge of teaching but it is not your job to be hurt that they did not listen.

Take this a step further. If you teach someone the rule of falling and hurting themselves when they are fooling around on a chair sometimes the best way to enforce the lesson is to let them see the law in action. You might not do this if they are balancing on the railing at Niagra Falls.

This blog however is not about that. It is about the cool use of time to get through a situation. The first happens to have to do with those rowdy kids on the school bus. Please watch how this plays out that the other lesson is that sometimes the best way to deal with bullies is to strenghthen the bullied to act.

So, the kids on the bus were starting to get out of hand. Simple solution? Well the reason for the rules of behaviour is not because the disobedience to the rules frustrates me. It is because it is unsafe to drive while the bus is in anarchy. So….stop driving.

Take a book. Put your feet up on the cowling and relax. State once that you will not go any further until the behaviour stops. Remember that on this bus were kids that had a life and had plans. The minutes I was taking away from their life were actually more important than the minute I was losing reading. I at least was doing my job, was enjoying my book and had planned this time.

It did not take long for the other teens to start voicing their opinion. In fact, I do not think I finished a chapter. There is no way I can repeat here what was said but the trouble makers got an earful. The cool thing was that they learned that in working so hard at irritating me, the sign of authority, they were also successful at irritating their peers. The law of behaviour, as I said, is universal.